Death and dying are inevitable parts of life and living. While everyone will experience death, not everyone has a choice about the way they die. But some do. And that's the topic of today's commentary. Scott Carlberg was married to his wife Lynda for nearly 44 years. She died earlier this year. But the way she died provided a pathway forward for the loved ones left behind.
(Transcript)
Death is often referred to as a passage, discussed in hushed tones.
My family experienced not hushed tones, but the opposite, and it was a gift. Let me share, knowing that we had the best of a tough situation and perhaps others can, too, if I speak up.
On May 1st, my wife died. I was there, our sons, her sister. We had ten months’ warning that cancer would take her, but no one could say just when.
Her years of working in a hospice gave her an edge, you might say. She had served people in their final days, seen death, including one parent. She knew the emotions – denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – and now faced it herself.
Her gift? She said she would live with cancer, not die from it. Slightly different wording was a huge shift in mindset.
Lynda’s attitude transformed how visitors regarded her, maybe even their eventual process of death too. Friends came from all over and left saying, "This isn't right, she's dying, and I feel better."
Paradoxically, some terminally ill patients say their illnesses give them a renewed life, a lens for what is really important and what is not. My wife's ability to transcend her medical condition made her a guiding light about living, and for not being physically alive later.
How?
Taking death from the shadows, for one. People wanted to call Lynda but were afraid. I assured them that she had already heard the news. Callers started with trembling voices but were soon at ease. Lynda described her attitude. And I believe callers grew during that process.
My wife managed future memories. Our young granddaughters are on the cusp of remembering. Lynda rallied her energy. She played meaningfully - and happily - and even spent a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge – no water slides, but got sprayed and she cheered on granddaughters. That was two weekends before she died. In her last weekend, her high school friends came in with yearbooks, good cooking, and tears.
That Monday, she turned to me and said there were just a few days left. Lynda understood. She said she would be fine. She told us to remember her, love her, tell funny stories about her... but get on with life.
Magnanimous? Faith-filled? Caring? Yes, to all three. Also, enabling for us. Our family comes to understand this gift more deeply every day.
We can aid family and friends at the end of life. The dying person, the central character in his or her own drama, manages the future for those who are going to stay.
Lynda channeled her energy to us survivors. Years would go un-lived for her, though she knew how she died would impact the years ahead for those who live on. Each of us can aspire to such a gift.
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Facebook Obituary & Remembrance
Lynda Dawn Carlberg passed away peacefully on May 1, 2025, surrounded by her family, after a courageous battle with pancreatic cancer.
Lynda was born in Port Arthur, Texas to Donald and Patricia Fine. A resident of Leawood, Kansas, Lynda spent most of her life in Bartlesville, Oklahoma, and Charlotte, North Carolina — communities she loved and served with grace and compassion.
Lynda lived a life marked by unwavering faith, selfless service, and deep love for others. She found joy in traveling, cherished time with her friends and family, and poured her heart into the people and causes that meant the most to her. Her generous spirit and quiet strength touched countless lives.
She dedicated her life to lifting others through both her professional and volunteer work. Lynda was actively involved with the P.E.O. Sisterhood (Philanthropic Educational Organization), Hospice Care, and the Alexander Youth Network. Her commitment to service left an enduring impact on everyone she met.
Lynda made many friends in her life, who she loved deeply. She treasured every moment shared with family and friends, and her memory will continue to inspire all of us to lead lives grounded in love and service, just as she did.
At Lynda’s request, there will be no memorial service. In lieu of flowers or gifts, please honor her memory by performing an act of service for someone around you. Let her legacy live on in every kindness shared.
Commentator Scott Carlberg has worked in energy industry communications for more than 40 years. He's also worked for research, nonprofit and higher education organizations. He lives in Leawood.